The different parts of my gender crash together wildly, like a demolition derby. Most of the time it feels exciting and fun, but it is also frightening and painful at times. Today I shaved my face for the first time ever and while it was happening I felt a mixture of fear, uncertainty and mischievous joy. I can feel certain aspects of masculinity creeping in to the way that I understand myself and perform my gender and it unsettles me because I feel like I haven’t yet learned how to celebrate, re-purpose or trust it in the same way I have with femininity. Embodying masculinity with integrity is an intense responsibility that I don’t always feel ready for. Hot damn, that gender category comes with a lot of fucking baggage, entitlement and power, and I do not know if I am wise enough to navigate that in ways that don’t hurt other people. Gender seems so much bigger than me sometimes. It permeates everything around me in such complicated ways. Ways that I fear are unspeakable, although I guess I’m talking now. The lack of control and choice I have in this process shakes me in ways I would rather not admit. Still, here I am doing me as hard as ever, buying rogaine, shaving my face, going out in public and staring back into the eyes of those who try to erase and belittle me with their gaze. I don’t have the answers right now, so I guess all I can do is let this thing kick the shit out of me while speaking from my heart and wearing lipstick to the party.
Love always,
Majestic
